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Friday, April 13, 2012

Loss of Faith

Had you ever had an MRI before? I found myself in a state of panic as I walked into the imaging room at a hospital standing face to face with that long, narrow, tight, MRI machine. It was too late to take sedation medicine, I would have needed thirty minutes before it kicked in and lost my place in line. My mind raced and heart beat 90 to nothing. Strapped down, the gurney began to move and I could feel a panic attack taking over as my body slowly disappeared inside the machine. I pumped that little bulb they gave me in case of an emergency like it was no tomorrow. The technician didn't move fast enough I started yelling for someone to get me out of there!

Oh ye of little faith. I felt like a fool sitting on the edge of the gurney hyperventilating my head off. The tech looked down at me and asked in a firm voice tinged with a little amusement, "You know it's a mind thing?" "What do you mean," I asked truly puzzled. "You can think that you are on vacation or you are being buried alive in that machine, it is what your mind say it is," she said matter of factly.

"You are only as weak or as strong as you think you are," I said. For a second I thought about the mind set of people that had survived horrific ordeals like slavery, the holocaust and p.o.w. situations. I'm going back in I told the tech, this time put a towel over my eyes. It seemed the machine totally and tightly wrapped around my body as I nervously prayed three Hail Mary's. Sweat trickled from my brow as my heart pounded and I labored to keep my breath steady in my tomb of technology.

Become what you fear a voice said from within. I fear suffocating I answered the voice. I thought about drowning and how much it scared me. I am under the water and there is no way out. I can't hold my breath any longer. I exhale and watch all the bubbles rush over my head. Then it happened. I inhaled. Air filled my nostrils. I am in control. What a surprise, I can control my thoughts. I am swimming under the ocean and it feels good. So good that I stretch out on the ocean floor and fall asleep. Soon I float to the surface of the water, squinting at the brightness of the sun as I reach the water's surface.

The test was over in a matter of minutes and the tech removed the towel from my eyes revealing the bright lights of the room. "Why are you getting me out so soon ," I asked? "It's over," she smiled at me. I had been in the machine and hour and fifteen minutes.

Have you ever lost faith in your ability to endure? How did you find it?


  1. Wow, that must have been so scary! I've heard those machines can be really noisy. I'm so impressed that you took control of your mind like that. I suffer from anxiety and try to do a similar thing when I'm getting panicky but it sounds like you did a wonderful job!

    Nikki – inspire nordic

  2. That sounds like me when I had my first mammogram. It is scary, but I think many times it's that anticipatory fear that gets us all crazed and doubtful. Not a remedy. Just my insight. :)

  3. Niki and Allison= Anxiety is a scary thing and can be made worse by the anticipation of it. Thanks for visiting today

  4. Great post, yes everyone has lost faith whether they admit it or not.

  5. Putting a towel over your eyes is the secret and putting your mind in a different place. Once you have gone through it, then you know what to expect which is the key. I agree with running4him, everyone has lost faith, sometime, and sometime it's hard to get it back, if ever. It's hard to read the news and not lose faith.

  6. Ugh, I had to have an MRI of my brain about a year ago. I asked people on a forum I belong to how long it would last, and was told fifteen minutes. It lasted an hour and a half! I got the giggles partway through, though, because I started imagining a bunch of kids outside pounding on it, goofing around. And then I was making up songs to the rhythms. I didn't know they could sedate you! I hope your results were good, whatever this was for.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

  7. I once went to hospital as an out patient for a testing on my kidneys. Days before I had asked about the need for anesthesia and was told I wouldn't need any. When I arrived I was informed that was wrong. I have a fear of the drug and never waking. From experience it has always been hard for hospital staff to wake me and the affect lasts for days afterward. Something to do with allergies . Anxiety wrapped around me with itchy fingers and my mind kept telling me to go home and since I had gone alone I had no one to help calm me. After forty minutes of waiting my turn I asked a nurse what would happen if I decided to call the procedure off. She said nothing would happen and I could sign off and leave. So I did. Come to find out the doctor had mad a wrong prognosis in the first place. Nothing was or have ever been wrong with my kidneys.